


4 AM, rain again

by RinAngel



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Feelings, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan Is The Sun, M/M, Self-Destruction, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24700309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RinAngel/pseuds/RinAngel
Summary: "Hey. You going to stay out here all night?"Renjun tries to throw everything away. Donghyuck won't let him.(Written for a prompt challenge: Middle of the night / "Are you going to try to stop me now? Because I might let you.")
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 10
Kudos: 82
Collections: June 2020 Prompt Week





	4 AM, rain again

4 AM is a weird time of day. The only people legitimately awake are those who work odd hours, exceptionally early or exceptionally late. Everyone else was only up because sleep was evading them, like Renjun— sitting out on the apartment balcony, smoking his cigarette down quickly, almost aggressively.

4 AM is an excellent time for mental breakdowns.

Renjun had plenty of things to dislike about himself— it was actually depressing to think about. His parents were disappointed that he had neglected academics to attend art school in Korea.  _ He _ was disappointed that he wasn’t nearly as good as he’d envisioned himself, that his entire four-year college experience had felt like one great big creative block. Painting wasn’t fun anymore, painting was work. Dropping out had been inevitable, because Renjun knew his own patterns: become passionate, work hard, get burned out, give up.

And so all of this, naturally, had led to him breaking up with Donghyuck, less than twenty-four hours ago. It made sense in Renjun’s mind, even if it didn’t make sense in any other context.  _ You’re going to break up with me anyway, Lee Donghyuck, sooner or later. I’m going to make it easy on myself. _

Renjun let his burned-down cigarette butt fall down into the alleyway, so far below that he couldn’t make out the ground below. Then he lit another one. He’d gone through great pains, through these six months of domestic bliss, to hide his nicotine habit from Donghyuck. His boyfriend was too pure for things like that. He was too pure for this world, and certainly too pure for Renjun.

The sound of the sliding glass doors announced Donghyuck’s arrival, but Renjun didn’t scramble to toss the cigarette. He didn’t look, because if he looked, then Donghyuck would see the tear streaks on his cheeks.

“Hey. You gonna stay out here all night?” Donghyuck’s voice was soft, a near-whisper. It was a tone that he reserved exclusively for Renjun, even though Renjun knew that he didn’t deserve it anymore. When the other didn’t answer, Donghyuck sat beside him, letting his legs dangle just the same under the railing. “I can’t sleep, either. My brain won’t shut off.”

One second. Two seconds. Renjun hated awkward silences, but he hated talking about his feelings even more.

Donghyuck sighed. “Are you at least going to tell me what I did wrong? I know I’m not the easiest boyfriend to deal with all the time, but I thought we were pretty good.”

Renjun took a long drag, prolonging the silence between them, but Donghyuck didn’t budge. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just… a feeling that I have. It would be too hard to explain.”

“Harder than breaking up?” Donghyuck asked bluntly.

Renjun looked at Donghyuck and wished immediately that he hadn’t. The other man was gut-wrenchingly beautiful still, and it was hard to resist leaning in like always and kissing him on the tip of his perfect little nose. He turned himself away again, hoping the silence would make Donghyuck give up, but it didn’t. “Donghyuck, what if I told you that there were things about me that you didn’t know? Deal-breaking things.”

“Like that you smoke cigarettes,” Donghyuck suggested dryly, the corner of his mouth twitching up in a suggestion of a smirk. “Give me that, by the way. I’m stressed as hell that  _ you’re _ trying to decide what my deal-breaking things are.” Without waiting, Donghyuck plucked the cigarette out of his hand and took a well-practiced drag, only coughing slightly on the exhale. “Tell me what the deal-breaking things are.”

Donghyuck always liked to talk things out—  _ I’m not good at it like you, though.  _ Renjun had been to a handful of therapists already in Seoul, and talking just never seemed to help. Where to start? Where to begin? He sighed, wringing his hands and digging his nails into his own palms.

“Did I ever tell you about my exes?” he asked softly, his own voice sounding tense to his ears.

“Hm? Little bits and pieces,” Donghyuck replied, seeming a bit taken aback by the question. “Your last ex’s name was Jaemin. The  _ ulzzang,” _ he recalled. “And before that, you told me that you had a thing with your Korean tutor, when you first moved here.”

Renjun had always been careful about how much to tell. He’d never outright lied to Donghyuck, of course, but he’d been sure to leave out the details that he thought would _matter._ After all, they’d mattered to Jaemin. They’d mattered to Mark. Now that he and Donghyuck were broken up, though, what was there to lose? “Well, it’s like this,” he began softly, taking his cigarette back to take the final drag. Only when it began to burn the tips of his fingers did he drop it. “Ever since middle school, I’ve had these episodes of depression. Not that I’m usually all that peppy and cheerful, but I mean…  _ low _ lows, Donghyuck. Can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t paint. I feel like a zombie. I don’t know what to do with myself.” He looked over at Donghyuck— and his ex was looking back with a pain in his eyes that made Renjun’s stomach clench. “I’ll be fine, for weeks or months, and then something snaps in my brain, some kind of stress sends me over the edge, and it’s back to square one. With Mark, we were together for a month, and then all of a sudden, it hit out of nowhere. He said it was fine, that he’d support me, but then a week later, when my mood wasn’t improving and I didn't want to see him, he told me that he thought we were too different to be together. Probably a smart move.”

Donghyuck’s eyebrows knit together as he processed this, clearly not sure how to respond. That was okay, because Renjun wasn’t sure what kind of response to expect.

“Me and Jaemin lasted a little longer. Around four months— until I cut myself and ended up in the hospital,” Renjun went on bluntly, voice feeling painfully choked despite trying to stay unaffected. “He visited me on the day I was admitted, and after that he had nothing but excuses not to. When he broke up with me, he told me that it was to give me space to heal.”

Renjun had never needed space to heal. He was an introvert, but he’d never asked any of his boyfriends for space. On the contrary, he’d always kept Donghyuck as close as possible, hoping the constant companionship would ward away the crazy. But once again, it always came back around.

“So you’re doing this because things are getting bad again?” Donghyuck asked softly. “You’re breaking up with me before I can break up with you? That’s how you’re thinking about it?”

“Donghyuck, don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

Renjun felt his temper spark, and he considered just getting up and walking away— but then he saw Donghyuck’s mouth turned into a tight frown, and his nostrils flared as he tried to suppress a rage of his own. It made him sick, thinking about leaving the side of a man who would fight for him.

“I’m doing this because you don’t deserve all the pain I’ll cause if I stay,” Renjun answered carefully, though Donghyuck’s tear-glazed eyes had infected him. His sinuses stung with the effort of not crying. Wasn't it supposed to become easier to control your emotions as you got older? “I’m doing this because it’s easier to end things quickly than suffering slowly. I’m doing this for both of us, so don’t make me out to be the selfish one.”

“This isn’t right.” Out of nowhere, Donghyuck grabbed Renjun’s hand and squeezed it tight. “I’m not bitter about you breaking up with me. If you’re tired of me, break up with me. If you’re unhappy with me, break up with me. But don’t break up with me because you’re scared. I can’t accept that.”

Between the buildings at the skyline, Renjun could see the first beams of the morning sun pushing through the night. Just for a minute, before his vision blurred, and he had to close his eyes and rest his forehead against the bars of the balcony railing.  _ Why does he have to be so fucking noble? I’m trying to give him an out, and he won’t even take it. _ A tear slid down each cheek, humiliating white flags of defeat, but Donghyuck kissed each cheek without judgement, as if to erase them.

“Can you give me a chance, Renjun? To prove to you that I’m not like them?” There was Donghyuck’s tiny voice again, pleading, just for Renjun. It was too hard, when he was already feeling weak.

“I can’t tell you how long things will be like this,” Renjun whispered, bunching up his sleeves at his hands so he could wipe his cheeks. “Sometimes it takes me a long time to bounce back. Sometimes I do stupid things. You’ll have to be patient with me.”

“That’s okay. You don’t need to be in any hurry.” Donghyuck’s arm slipped around Renjun’s waist. The warmth that flared in Renjun’s chest was instant, and he couldn’t resist despite his best efforts, resting his head against Donghyuck’s shoulder.

“I love you, Renjun.” Donghyuck’s tone was soft, genuine, though he still snorted in amusement, as though he could feel his boyfriend’s pulse quicken. “Hey, we should try to get some sleep, now that we’re feeling a little more at ease.”

“You shouldn’t feel at ease. Everything is up in the air right now,” Renjun reminded him as they got to their feet; habitually, he brushed the dirt off of Donghyuck’s pants, making both of them laugh, just a little.

“I feel at ease with you here.” This time, Donghyuck kissed Renjun’s lips, and in his overtired state, the simple gesture nearly made Renjun see stars. “We’ll talk about it in the morning, okay? When it’s not 4 AM. Thinking too hard about things is never a good idea at this time of night, Renjun, you should know that by now.”

“Yeah, well, it’s one of my specialties.”

Donghyuck snorted again, holding the sliding glass door open and gesturing for Renjun to step in, out of the cold. “That’s okay, love. We’ll work on it.”

Maybe exhaustion had him delirious, but for the time being, Renjun couldn’t help but believe him.


End file.
